Exhale

 

While I consider myself a pretty open book, there are many instances that I do keep guarded. I think a lot of the guarded mechanism is due to fear of humiliation. Recently I was humiliated. Perhaps it was on my own accord, and to some extent, I do take the blame for it. What’s happened to me, though, has hurt me greatly. Some days are better than others. I make the mistake to look at people’s Twitter account and see the jabs still rolling. Being humiliated is my utmost greatest fear. It’s what freezes me in my tracks and really one of the things that I have a very hard time conquering. This instance has really bitten me hard, but I am doing my best to learn from it.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a video to Youtube, one that many may have seen as vulgar. To me, it was all in fun, and I truly enjoyed myself while making the video. In short, I created a video of myself dancing in a shirt that my friend custom made for me. She is an ‘adult’ entertainer. The shirt read, ” I want to f**k” and her name on below her image. So I played a song, was singing and dancing along and posted a video to it. No harm done, right? I mean,I had fun and enjoyed myself. That’s what it was intended for.

What turned out to be as fun has been nothing but hurtful for me. An ex “friend” (and I use that word LOOSELY) came across it and since then the punches have been coming from others who I thought were also my friends. They have been mocking me, and the original girl who shared what she found with everyone even went so far as to make a shirt out of what I said. I decided to email two girls – and the email was explosive. I was mad. I still am. I think beyond being mad there’s just a lot of pain. I went through my twitter account and just started deleting people, even those who had said nothing, because I just don’t want any part of it. So -poof!- twenty five people out of my life like nothing.

This has been an incredibly painful lesson for me. While I expected some comments because the video was pretty funny crazy, I didn’t expect people to STILL continue to poke fun of it. I mean, I really put myself out there to make the video. It’s not as though this is something I would do at any time. It was off the cuff, and I really had to step out of my comfort zone to make it. So I let my guard down…and now I am kicking myself hard for it. I have been in a lot of pain over all of this. In the end, I have to remind myself that by being my authentic self and having others ridicule me,  that they truly aren’t friends at all. But damn – I am sensitive to the core. I do my best not to care, but I do. I realize I can’t please everyone, but this has hurt deep. These are people I truly cared about – helped out – talked to and so on. You know, what I assumed friends would do.

So for now, I suppose I have to let the punches continue to roll. I have reported what I needed to to authorities because I see this as a form of cyber bullying. I refuse to let what happened to me hurt someone even more who is in a vulnerable situation. I’ve exhausted myself over this and clearly nothing will come of it, even after having directly emailing them and just letting them know that I am hurt over all of this. That the actions are childish. I get the “you have a great heart but are annoying” response. Messed up, huh? So while I am a good person, it’s okay for the ugliness to continue.

I’m doing my best to just take everything, aside from the above drama, one day at a time. That’s all that you can do in many instances. Things will get better with time, and I will be a distant memory to their jokes. I’d much take the higher road, anyhow, and just leave all of this behind me.

 

Ohm shanti.

“When you’ve got friends to wish you well, you’ll find a point when you will exhale.” – Whitney Houston

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Grateful

I didn’t realize that it has been almost a YEAR since I last blogged. I once blogged religiously a few years ago, sometimes even several entries a day. I had a lot to say, and I still do. Somewhere, though, I lost my inner voice. Well, maybe not lost, per se, but really just shelved my thoughts for a long time.

A LOT has been going on in my life. I truly have nothing to hide, so I am happy to share here. I believe that by sharing  I can reach someone else who is going through the same experiences and they won’t feel alone. If I want to be the most authentic person possible for self, then I feel that exposing myself is the best way to go.

On Christmas Day, Jennifer’s uncle passed away. It feels that many things have fallen apart since then. Jenny and I took care of him for the most part for the majority of the year. It was difficult when he went into the assisted living facility, because we knew that it was a place that he wasn’t going to come out of. Less than 48 hours from being placed there, he crossed over. On Christmas Eve, when he was in a coma, both J and I took hours spending the day going through his items. We read his love letters from women (he was quite the casanova) and tokens of sentimental value that he kept throughout his life. It was great to see this sensitive side to him. I knew he had a good heart. I think what stung the most is that he was someone who, towards the end of his life, I literally held in my arms while he cried saying he didn’t want to fight for life anymore. That is difficult to go through, and what do you say in those circumstances, you know? More elements transpired after he passed away, but nothing I really want to delve into anymore. I can’t change the fact that he is gone and as hard as it is to go back to the family lake house and see pieces of him all around the house, I have to just let go. I don’t have to let go of the memories and the love he gave me, but I don’t think holding on to grudges will help me to grow at all.

My father and step mom are going through a divorce right now. Actually, I am not sure if the divorce is even finished at this time. I don’t know the laws in the state they reside in. The news of the divorce saddened me, but didn’t break me. I have grown callus towards divorce due to my own parents being divorced since I was three, and both parents being remarried. What DID break me was not only finding out that my dad is dating someone who is four years younger than me, but he’s also now…*gulp*…engaged to her. I don’t know how to handle this. I suppose that the rawness of it all has kind of worn off and the burn is beginning to heal. The most difficult move was knowing that she’s younger than me, and having my family in pain all the way around. It was just really difficult to deal with and some days when I think about it, it still catches me off-guard. Overall, I just want everyone to be happy and healthy. It’s difficult to be upset when people are happy – but to know that others are in great pain and continue to live in pain is very heavy on my heart. So I’ve just decided to play the neutral card on everything as that feels “safe” to me.

To keep in the spirit of provocativeness as this blog alludes to, there is a giant leap that I have taken. I’ve decided to be a life coach for those in the adult entertainment industry. Clearly, me being friends with anyone in the industry has rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. What I’ve come to find is that this all feels like the exact same emotions when I publicly declared that I am homosexual. I had many people really disgusted and have lost a lot of friends along the way. I think what I like is simply too “out there” for many people, and I understand. Just a lot of the pain associated with losing friends is what hurts the most. I was trying to mentally define the motions I was going through and it hit me that I felt the same when I came out. It was that moment of embarrassment, but something that I truly love. I do enjoy the porn industry and I realize stating such will rub people the wrong way. I am definitely an advocate for those who are in the industry and love what they do. I realize that there are many performers who want out – they have their regrets and are so far into it that they don’t know how to walk away. I completely understand. I think where I can relate is that their lifestyles are often seen as taboo, as is mine. What they portray on camera is not how they are in “real life” – and yes, they are acting on camera. I’ve seen that my befriending several actresses has gone against the grain in my friendship circle. I find it odd, because that is the last place I thought it would. My family knows about what I do and who I am friends with and there is no judgment from them either way. I’ve never heard anything negative from family about the decisions I have made with those I’ve befriended. Ultimately, I am relieved that people showed their true colors now. Granted I did lose many friends over this, but I would MUCH rather people love me for who I am  – and it be a form of unconditional love – than have people who can’t keep it real in my life.

At the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves if we truly lived. Did we make a positive difference in the day? Did we reach out to those who truly needed us, even when we felt no one reached out to us in return? Can you sleep at night knowing that you have lived your day to the fullest and made a positive, impressionable impact on someone? I know I can. I have always walked to the beat of my own drum. I have found my happiness and am truly striding along in confidence. What makes me happy is my own journey. I will have bumps along the way, but in the end, the bumps can really be learning experiences. God did not place me on this earth to live in strife and sorrow. There’s beauty all around and it’s truly up to us to decide if we will venture into the day with an open or closed heart.

I think Mother Teresa says it best:

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

– Mother Teresa

Quote

Walking On Broken Glass

Watching the news has turned into something I once enjoyed to now a draining event for me. Not too long ago, I watched the news religiously, and for hours on end. I came to realize that the news was just too overwhelming – that I was feeling too much and becoming upset over things I can’t control. Now, I watch the news a couple of times a week, just to touch base with what’s going on. Today I turned on the news to see the aftermath of the tornado in Joplin, MO. The scenes are unreal.

I found myself thinking about other natural disasters, such as Katrina, landslides and wildfires in California, earthquakes in Japan and so on. Throughout life, we may be faced with hardships, some people more often and much harder than others. After the storms in life, both physically and figuratively, pass and leave their damage, how is it that people go on? How can one continue through life, trying to fit jagged pieces together that just don’t fit?

Some people may answer these questions with a simple, “It’s easy. You just put the past behind you and continue to go through life as it’s intended to be.” However, what happens when your past holds you back and you can’t help but think of the negativity of the elements around you at that time. If you lose all of your favorite possessions and family members in a tornado, how can someone recover from that?

Just as Mother Nature can devastate the nature around us, our past can also create unneeded turmoil that’s present today. It is definitely important to discover and work on the elements in our lives that are hindering our growth. What can you do to nurture yourself so your soul can heal and you can continue to go through life ?  What tools do you already possess that you can use to deweed the soul from being smothered with overgrowth? How can you expand your personal horizons so whatever has happened to you in the past is now so far behind you that you can exude tons of energy to propel you in the future?

A great exercise is to evaluate the people in your life and those who can support you during your time of need. Do you have a solid foundation of family and friends, community, church, etc that you can turn to? Do you find that there are people that you are holding onto that aren’t serving you but instead hindering you from growing? What is it about keeping negative people in your life that is of benefit to you? How are the people who lift you up help  you towards your goals?

Life is sure to change with the wind. Things in your life now can be gone tomorrow. Do you have the right tools, people in your life, and self strength to get through such hurdles? What can you do to prepare for your personal goals and leave the past behind you?

Where the Green Grass Grows

Last week I saw a twitter post that made me chuckle. If I remember correctly, it said that, “the grass is greener on the other side – because your neighbors use pesticides and chemicals”. How true is that? Why is it that as a society we are wanting things we don’t have, when your neighbor’s life may be filled with false pretenses to make everything appear “greener”?

Where we have lost our focus on self is realizing that we can generate our own happiness. We often do not have to go outside of ourselves to look for it. Sometimes we do become curious and see what makes others so happy, only to realize that they may not be happy at all. It might be a huge show that they put on to pretend that they are happy.

What can you do to make your own grass greener? What can you use to fertilize your soul and make your own soul grow so grand that others wonder what is making you happy? I often write down things I am grateful for. Items that may seem the most mundane to some is what I truly cherish. I appreciate when I hear birds sing because it means I took the time to notice their pretty song. It means that I am being still long enough to choose to hear their voices over the chaos of the city noises all around me. I listen to music with positive messages and read quotes that inspire me. I share personal thoughts with others if in the hopes that it will get them to think as well. I love sharing happiness and new knowledge with those around me. That is what truly makes me shine in my own element. Being compassionate and loving wholeheartedly without any strings attached is what makes my grass grow.

Today, I am thankful for the beautiful weather, my pets sleeping soundly, the quietness of the house and getting up early to blog this post. I am often happiest when everything around me is quiet and still, and I can truly focus on my thoughts .When I can articulate with my writing what I can’t express verbally is when I truly shine. My own life experiences and personal reflections on how to continue on this positive path is what makes me grow.

What makes your grass grow? What can you do, in this very moment, to give thanks for all  you have in your life? What can you do at ANY moment in time to realize that you have all the happiness you could possibly want inside of you? What types of nourishment do you need to make your soul grow and continue to harvest the happiness?

Remember to always count your blessings – even if it means counting all the blades of green grass. 🙂

Inspiring Expenditure

Last week I was interviewed on Coachville Caffeine, an online talk radio program for coaches. The conversation opened with a “brief” (which turned into a not-so-brief) discussion regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden. The three of us on the call-Coach Dave, Coach Deanna and I- all agreed that we felt deflated and even a sense of negativity regarding the celebratory actions that had taken place. Everywhere we turned, people were celebrating Osama’s death on television, Facebook, on the radio. Fellow American’s were cheering at a baseball game and on the sacred grounds of Ground Zero. Seeing these images made us all feel very “off” with our feelings. As the conversation continued, the three of us also realized that we were not the only one’s who felt the same way.

During my call, Coach Deanna placed a very provocative caveat on the table. She stated, ” How do we, as coaches, inspire that kind of expenditure of thought and energy and emotion, for the common good on a regular basis?” Her question had me officially mind-blown.

Let me repeat that statement, because it’s worth repeating.

How do we, as coaches, inspire that kind of expenditure of thought, and energy and emotion, for the common good on a regular basis?

How can we, as a society, use the type of energy that was used on our thoughts and emotions surrounding the death Osama for good instead of negative? How can we harness these energies and thoughts for good on a daily basis?

I propose that we promote and embrace tolerance. The amount of energy that is used in negative situations on our day-to-day lives, whether directly or indirectly related is, in my opinion, extremely obtuse. If we were to take on the role of a sporting team, and are the players on a team, we are there to support one another. We bolster other playmates when they falter. At the end of the game, win or lose, we gather as a team and wish the opposing team a good game. That’s the ultimate form of sportsmanship – to not jeer on the opposing team when they have lost. To not lose our cool when we lose. It’s what makes us the best player possible – on and off the field.

The promotion of embracing tolerance often alleviates the need to find justice that is derogatory instead of compassionate. Even in the most horrific instances of circumstances, there’s still the human element that resides in us which thrives on compassion. Should we, as a society, have celebrated the death of a conceived villain in the  nature that we did? Some people believe yes, while others say no. As a coach, I say no. I say that the celebration of someone’s death was grossly absurd.  In the hours following the announcement of Osama’s death, I was (do I dare say?) embarrassed at how my fellow American’s were reacting to his death.

How can we use all of this energy that is boiling about to create good in our life and in the lives of others? Energy is a powerful emotion and motion. It takes a lot of energy to expel what we feel. It takes a lot of energy to camouflage what we feel just the same. When we are fully awake and present, the awareness of our thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. It’s a matter of being still long enough to realize when there’s an energy that needs to be addressed. Feelings of negativity and even anger can be bolstered to positivity by realizing that there’s perfection in every situation. The moments that you are angered at the injustices of our life’s events are when we need to stop and evaluate our feelings. How can we address our anger, hurt and frustration into a POSITIVE nature? How can we carry each other instead of tear one another down? How can we all become one in life?

What can YOU do to help promote the energy and emotions that you feel for the better – and more so, on a daily basis? What can you do to make changes within yourself so that it directly affects the fellow man?

Here’s to living larger, thinking bigger and playing grander!

Be the spark that lights the world!

Sarah