Exhale

 

While I consider myself a pretty open book, there are many instances that I do keep guarded. I think a lot of the guarded mechanism is due to fear of humiliation. Recently I was humiliated. Perhaps it was on my own accord, and to some extent, I do take the blame for it. What’s happened to me, though, has hurt me greatly. Some days are better than others. I make the mistake to look at people’s Twitter account and see the jabs still rolling. Being humiliated is my utmost greatest fear. It’s what freezes me in my tracks and really one of the things that I have a very hard time conquering. This instance has really bitten me hard, but I am doing my best to learn from it.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a video to Youtube, one that many may have seen as vulgar. To me, it was all in fun, and I truly enjoyed myself while making the video. In short, I created a video of myself dancing in a shirt that my friend custom made for me. She is an ‘adult’ entertainer. The shirt read, ” I want to f**k” and her name on below her image. So I played a song, was singing and dancing along and posted a video to it. No harm done, right? I mean,I had fun and enjoyed myself. That’s what it was intended for.

What turned out to be as fun has been nothing but hurtful for me. An ex “friend” (and I use that word LOOSELY) came across it and since then the punches have been coming from others who I thought were also my friends. They have been mocking me, and the original girl who shared what she found with everyone even went so far as to make a shirt out of what I said. I decided to email two girls – and the email was explosive. I was mad. I still am. I think beyond being mad there’s just a lot of pain. I went through my twitter account and just started deleting people, even those who had said nothing, because I just don’t want any part of it. So -poof!- twenty five people out of my life like nothing.

This has been an incredibly painful lesson for me. While I expected some comments because the video was pretty funny crazy, I didn’t expect people to STILL continue to poke fun of it. I mean, I really put myself out there to make the video. It’s not as though this is something I would do at any time. It was off the cuff, and I really had to step out of my comfort zone to make it. So I let my guard down…and now I am kicking myself hard for it. I have been in a lot of pain over all of this. In the end, I have to remind myself that by being my authentic self and having others ridicule me,  that they truly aren’t friends at all. But damn – I am sensitive to the core. I do my best not to care, but I do. I realize I can’t please everyone, but this has hurt deep. These are people I truly cared about – helped out – talked to and so on. You know, what I assumed friends would do.

So for now, I suppose I have to let the punches continue to roll. I have reported what I needed to to authorities because I see this as a form of cyber bullying. I refuse to let what happened to me hurt someone even more who is in a vulnerable situation. I’ve exhausted myself over this and clearly nothing will come of it, even after having directly emailing them and just letting them know that I am hurt over all of this. That the actions are childish. I get the “you have a great heart but are annoying” response. Messed up, huh? So while I am a good person, it’s okay for the ugliness to continue.

I’m doing my best to just take everything, aside from the above drama, one day at a time. That’s all that you can do in many instances. Things will get better with time, and I will be a distant memory to their jokes. I’d much take the higher road, anyhow, and just leave all of this behind me.

 

Ohm shanti.

“When you’ve got friends to wish you well, you’ll find a point when you will exhale.” – Whitney Houston

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