Grateful

I didn’t realize that it has been almost a YEAR since I last blogged. I once blogged religiously a few years ago, sometimes even several entries a day. I had a lot to say, and I still do. Somewhere, though, I lost my inner voice. Well, maybe not lost, per se, but really just shelved my thoughts for a long time.

A LOT has been going on in my life. I truly have nothing to hide, so I am happy to share here. I believe that by sharing  I can reach someone else who is going through the same experiences and they won’t feel alone. If I want to be the most authentic person possible for self, then I feel that exposing myself is the best way to go.

On Christmas Day, Jennifer’s uncle passed away. It feels that many things have fallen apart since then. Jenny and I took care of him for the most part for the majority of the year. It was difficult when he went into the assisted living facility, because we knew that it was a place that he wasn’t going to come out of. Less than 48 hours from being placed there, he crossed over. On Christmas Eve, when he was in a coma, both J and I took hours spending the day going through his items. We read his love letters from women (he was quite the casanova) and tokens of sentimental value that he kept throughout his life. It was great to see this sensitive side to him. I knew he had a good heart. I think what stung the most is that he was someone who, towards the end of his life, I literally held in my arms while he cried saying he didn’t want to fight for life anymore. That is difficult to go through, and what do you say in those circumstances, you know? More elements transpired after he passed away, but nothing I really want to delve into anymore. I can’t change the fact that he is gone and as hard as it is to go back to the family lake house and see pieces of him all around the house, I have to just let go. I don’t have to let go of the memories and the love he gave me, but I don’t think holding on to grudges will help me to grow at all.

My father and step mom are going through a divorce right now. Actually, I am not sure if the divorce is even finished at this time. I don’t know the laws in the state they reside in. The news of the divorce saddened me, but didn’t break me. I have grown callus towards divorce due to my own parents being divorced since I was three, and both parents being remarried. What DID break me was not only finding out that my dad is dating someone who is four years younger than me, but he’s also now…*gulp*…engaged to her. I don’t know how to handle this. I suppose that the rawness of it all has kind of worn off and the burn is beginning to heal. The most difficult move was knowing that she’s younger than me, and having my family in pain all the way around. It was just really difficult to deal with and some days when I think about it, it still catches me off-guard. Overall, I just want everyone to be happy and healthy. It’s difficult to be upset when people are happy – but to know that others are in great pain and continue to live in pain is very heavy on my heart. So I’ve just decided to play the neutral card on everything as that feels “safe” to me.

To keep in the spirit of provocativeness as this blog alludes to, there is a giant leap that I have taken. I’ve decided to be a life coach for those in the adult entertainment industry. Clearly, me being friends with anyone in the industry has rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. What I’ve come to find is that this all feels like the exact same emotions when I publicly declared that I am homosexual. I had many people really disgusted and have lost a lot of friends along the way. I think what I like is simply too “out there” for many people, and I understand. Just a lot of the pain associated with losing friends is what hurts the most. I was trying to mentally define the motions I was going through and it hit me that I felt the same when I came out. It was that moment of embarrassment, but something that I truly love. I do enjoy the porn industry and I realize stating such will rub people the wrong way. I am definitely an advocate for those who are in the industry and love what they do. I realize that there are many performers who want out – they have their regrets and are so far into it that they don’t know how to walk away. I completely understand. I think where I can relate is that their lifestyles are often seen as taboo, as is mine. What they portray on camera is not how they are in “real life” – and yes, they are acting on camera. I’ve seen that my befriending several actresses has gone against the grain in my friendship circle. I find it odd, because that is the last place I thought it would. My family knows about what I do and who I am friends with and there is no judgment from them either way. I’ve never heard anything negative from family about the decisions I have made with those I’ve befriended. Ultimately, I am relieved that people showed their true colors now. Granted I did lose many friends over this, but I would MUCH rather people love me for who I am  – and it be a form of unconditional love – than have people who can’t keep it real in my life.

At the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves if we truly lived. Did we make a positive difference in the day? Did we reach out to those who truly needed us, even when we felt no one reached out to us in return? Can you sleep at night knowing that you have lived your day to the fullest and made a positive, impressionable impact on someone? I know I can. I have always walked to the beat of my own drum. I have found my happiness and am truly striding along in confidence. What makes me happy is my own journey. I will have bumps along the way, but in the end, the bumps can really be learning experiences. God did not place me on this earth to live in strife and sorrow. There’s beauty all around and it’s truly up to us to decide if we will venture into the day with an open or closed heart.

I think Mother Teresa says it best:

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

– Mother Teresa

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